the band has never been so cool

You've got self-respect, and a valve for your spit.

fall makes me want to buy shoes

chronicles of an online dater: volume four

Although it really isn't a great movie, there is a quote from He's Just Not That Into You that seems to encapsulate my experience with dating as I have known it the past couple of years. Drew Barrymore's character is talking to her coworkers after checking her online dating website, and says ...

“I had this guy leave me a voice mail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It’s exhausting.”

As evidenced by my last few posts on the subject, the guys that I have encountered through Match.com have been less than quality. For this reason, I decided to give eHarmony another go. Again, I said I wouldn't do it. But the other times I did it, it was for very short periods of time, so this time I bit the bullet and got a six-month subscription. Does this make me desparate? Oh, god ... it does, doesn't it? Sigh. Well, whatever it makes me, I did it. And there have been many more quality people there, but still the ones that want to communicate with me don't seem to be the types of men that I would be interested in if I met them in a coffee shop. I am trying to be very fair about it, and communicating with anyone whose profile seems interesting, regardless of physical appearance.

The thing that is depressing, and that made me think of the quote above, is that the ones that I really want to talk to close me out. eHarmony is a little brutal in this regard because there are some very straight forward reasons to check as to why you've closed the match. Options such as "Based on the statements in their profile, I am not interested in this match," and "I don't feel that the chemistry is there" (Really? Because you've never met me). But the one that you don't want to get is the dreaded "Other." Because in girl world that means, "Based on the pictures that I can see, I think you are ugly and fat." Trust me ... all girls think that when they get closed because of "Other." I've talked to lots of them.

So, there was one guy that seemed really interesting to me and was attractive in the way that I usually find men attractive (scruffy and unkempt), so I sent him the first set of questions. Yep. He closed me for "Other" reasons. Thanks, buddy. And way to feed into those male stereotypes. Need I remind you that you are on eHarmony? It seems that you wouldn't want to be so picky.

Not to have a pity party or anything, but this sucks! I wish that I could be completely content with what God has given me, but it just seems like if there is a time, that time is NOW. I will be 28 in nine days. People are getting married or into relationships all around me. My friends are having children. I'm having a hard time just staying afloat in my life, and it would be really nice to have someone to stand by my side and make decisions with.

Argh. So frustrating. Down with dating.

some shows are good. some you think about days later.

chronicles of an online dater: volume three

This guy was a "match" for me. See if you can find what is wrong with this description of himself:

"I'm artistic, creative, funny, deep thinker, a genital man, caring, moralistic, down to earth, laid back, daring, friendly, outgoing, I work for what I want, not afraid to be honest, been in alot of areas so I been around alot of personalities, which I get along with most, has have my heart broken, been through alot, I learn from my mistakes, I've been an outlaw/rebel, the one in the middle or out on the stage, I believe I can take anything, love music, going out to new places, enjoying time with friends and family."

Ok, so there are a lot of things wrong ("a lot" is not one word, for one). But look closely. Don't see it? Let me help ...

"I'm artistic, creative, funny, deep thinker, a genital man, caring, moralistic, down to earth, laid back, daring, friendly, outgoing, I work for what I want, not afraid to be honest, been in alot of areas so I been around alot of personalities, which I get along with most, has have my heart broken, been through alot, I learn from my mistakes, I've been an outlaw/rebel, the one in the middle or out on the stage, I believe I can take anything, love music, going out to new places, enjoying time with friends and family."

That's right. He's a "genital" man. Profile FAIL! I thought about emailing him just to see if he knew how he had described himself, but that would rob so many other women of a good laugh.

chronicles of an online dater: volume two

This is the actual "about me" section of a guy's profile who contacted me tonight:

"My lady needs a good hrt an a good sense of humor 2. I have a chld also. I am sngle fathr. So mus be ok with children. I am not lookn 4 a mom 4 my son. Nor am i lookn 4 a woman 2 take care of me. I jus want a good hnst woman who loves her man and is not afraid 2 show it."

I jus wnt a man who knws how 2 spel.

chronicles of an online dater: volume one

Saying never is a dangerous thing. It has been my experience that never turns into I'd rather not, which turns into maybe one day, which turns into oh, what the heck. It is true of most things in my life. "I will never smoke a cigarette." "I will never say the Mother of All Curse Words." "I will never make out with a dude that I don't know." Done, done, and - unfortunately - done. Such has also been the case with me and online dating. While it has become more socially acceptable to date online, it can not be denied that it is still a bit strange. Don't get me wrong - it can be a great thing, and I know several people who have met spouses and significant others though such venues, I just never thought that it would be for me. And after round three of the experience, I am still not convinced.

It all started two years ago. I had once again been smitten with a guy who definitely wasn't smitten with me (I could write a sad, sad book about my experiences with unrequited love), confessed the feelings, and been shut down. Or ignored, actually. Deciding that liking real life guys wasn't quite working out, I signed up for eHarmony, but only for one month. I went on one date from that experience, driving three hours to meet a guy who thought it was okay to touch me relentlessly on the first date. (Seriously, if I don't know you it is not cool to give me back rubs all night, nor straddle me from behind on a bar stool at a concert). After that date, I vowed to never go on eHarmony again.

There's that word again: never. Of course, I signed up for it about a year later, again only for a month, this time getting no dates and discovering that the only reason I was being matched with these people was because we shared religious beliefs. In a round about way, at least. There was not a single match who would have snagged my interest had I met him in the ways that people normally meet. Their slogan must be, "You're a Christian ... He's a Christian ... Perfect match!" Not so much, eHarm.

Fast forward another year or so to present time, and I've once again given in to the curiosity. This time I have chosen Match.com. Had I asked around before I joined, I might have discovered what I have found to be true - that it is eHarmony's Shady Cousin, and is used by many people as a hook-up tool. Nice. Just what I'm looking for. I will say that in the first month of my six-month subscription, I have been on more dates than I ever did with eHarmony. While they might not be the most exciting dates, I am at least hanging out with the opposite sex in a date-type setting. That makes me feel at least like I am moving forward and meeting new people, rather than wondering where the heck new guys are going to come from.

So far, out of the four guys I have gone out with, I would only go out with two of them again. Well, maybe two. One of them is either too busy or too disinterested to go on a third date. The other lives three hours away, which makes things a bit interesting. The first date I had was with a guy I had chatted with through the Match website for about twenty minutes, then met him for a drink the same night. The conversation was utterly painful, and he asked to kiss me on a crowded sidewalk outside of the bar after only two hours of talking. No thank you, sir. It will take more than one beer to make that a possibility. And probably not even then.

It seems that this website attracts men who fit into one of four categories: (1) The I just want to have fun's. (2) The I've been burned and think all women are crazy but I really need to get some's. (3) The I just got divorced's. (4) The I'm looking for a relationship but I am terrible at conversation's. There is a small fifth category, the I just might be normal's. But it is highly insignificant.

There are some very predictable things that these guys have on their profiles. For one, just about every one of them claims to be "Laid back and easy going." I guess that sounds better than, "I'm a bit of a high-strung, power-hungry control freak." Also, a lot of the guys "don't want any drama." Really? Because I absolutely thrive off of drama. I say, the more drama that I can have in a relationship, the better. By drama, do you mean, "I don't want a girl who wants to talk to me while I'm watching football"? Or maybe, "I don't want to talk about your feelings, so stop crying"? Good luck with your search, a-holes.

The absolute best thing that has happened to me on Match is that I've been contacted by a guy who is in prison. That's right. The slammer. The Big House. His picture is actually taken inside of the prison in his little prisoner outfit. Classy. And what sort of prison allows their inmates to date online? Shouldn't they be picking up trash on the side of the highway or something instead of picking up chicks online? Just sayin'.

I'm sure there will be more stories to tell in the next five months until my subscruption is up. If you have a story to share, I'd love to have some guest posts on the topic. Let me know if you'd like to contribute and make your own sad dating life a source of humor for someone else's day.

oh, that it were a dream

Monday night's schedule:

6:30 pm - Get off work
6:45 pm - Cook dinner
7:00 pm - Eat dinner
7:15 pm - Discover yet another pile of dog poop on the rug. Scoop and flush.
8:00 pm - Wait for a friend to come over for a walk
8:30 pm - Walk
9:30 pm - Check email and whatnot
10:30 pm - Discover that there is no hot water coming out of the shower
10:45 pm - Put the dogs in the back yard
11:00 pm - Drive to my apartment to shower
11:30 pm - Arrive back at dogsitting house
11:32 pm - Go to brush my teeth
11:33 pm - Discover that the dog has peed ON THE BED, despite being outside for 30 minutes.
11:34 pm - Scold dog, put dog in crate and strip the bed.
11:40 pm - Attempt to sleep in the next room.
11:50 pm - Tire of the dog's barking and whining and give in to letting him in the bed.
12:00 pm - Sleep. Finally.

Tuesday morning:
6:55 am - Wake up in a panic, have to be at work in five minutes.

the joys of renting

I have had it with douche bag landlords who charge me out the ass for rent when they don't give a shit about their properties. We pay $775 a month for a two-bedroom apartment that has the following amenities:

1. No central air.
2. Draftiness.
3. Plumbing issues.
4. A luxurious seven-minute hot shower.
   
5. A fridge that maintains a temperature of 60 degrees on it's coldest setting, causing food to spoil at amazing rates.
   
6. A window (in my bedroom) that pours water when it rains.
7. Window units that have the wrong amount of BTU's for the square footage of the rooms they are trying so desperately to cool in the Alabama heat.
8. Flying roaches.
9. An oven with only one rack
10. A stove with four unlevel eyes
    
11. A dishwasher that leaves mystery crust on the dishes
12. A bathroom with no ventilation or electrical outlets

Just today I had to take a maintenance issue into my own hands. Our tub hasn't drained properly since I moved in a couple of months ago. After calling the landlord, who is super creepy, and him coming to "fix" it, we were still up to our calves in dirty water every time we showered. I went to Walmart and scoured the plumbing aisle for the right product that would remove whatever was clogging the drain. The usual suspects were all there, and I knew from previous experience in past apartments that they did no good. Then I saw a smaller bottle that was double the price of the rest of them, it's most distinguishing feature being the heavy-duty plastic bag that it was encased in. The bag read, "Do not remove." If whatever was in that bottle was lethal enough to need extra coverage, that was the product for me.

When I got it home and read the instructions, I began to see that this stuff wasn't messing around. It required the use of rubber gloves and protective eye wear, and was capable of burning holes through things. Not having either gloves or safety goggles, I was forced to improvise, donning a giant pair of sunglasses and wrapping my hands with grocery sacks. I carefully cut the top off of the bag and removed the child-safety lid from the bottle. The smell was putrid. I began to pour it down the drain, and it went down pretty well at first ... and then it started to gurgle and bubble and spit black goo into the tub. The smell forced me out of the bathroom and into my bedroom where I stuffed a towel under the door to prevent the rotten-egg stench from entering. Twenty minutes later it was time for the five-minute cold water flush. After a few minutes of running water I began to hear the chug and slurp of water going down a drain. My drain. I took a shower even though I didn't need to just to remember what its like to not stand in my own filth. The apartment may smell like someone hid a dozen eggs under the sofa a few months back, but dang it - the tub drains.

Take that, Landlord. I am better than you.

women, the church, & sex

It seems that I have been having the same conversation with every single woman in my life lately. Every car ride, dinner, or cup of coffee has led to discussions of single Christian women and our views, struggles, and misconceptions regarding lust and sex. For years this has been a taboo topic in the church, and viewed as strictly a "male problem."

I have this to say to single Christian women everywhere: It is completely normal for us to want to have sex! In fact, by biological standards, it is abnormal for us to NOT be having it. True, our drives might not rival those of of men, but they are present and powerful - especially during certain times in our cycles (thanks for making me feel like a man, Ovulation). This does not make us perverted or dirty, it makes us creatures created by God to enjoy the gift of sex. We have God-given drives and desires just like men do, and to ignore the fact that so many of us are struggling with lust and feeling like crazy people because of it is a disservice to our mental, physical, and spiritual well-being.

It hasn't been until the past few years that I have felt free enough to discuss this with other women. Or maybe it just hasn't been as much of an issue for me until I hit my late twenties and my baby-maker started going crazy. But over and over again, I am hearing women say that they think about sex - a lot. That is takes everything in their power to not jump their boyfriends (or non-boyfriends, for that matter), or look at a man with lust. It is real, and it needs to be acknowledged and addressed.

If we are to be pleasing to God in this area* it is going to take honesty with each other, and the willingness to ask hard questions. The last thing that my flesh wants to do is stay pure. In fact, I will be the first to admit that my past and my present are full the brim with impurity. Sexual sin is one of the hardest to resist, and one that has devastating consequences and effects on our spiritual lives. I hope to have many more conversations with friends, and address the issues in my own life - though reluctantly at times, I'm sure. I hope to take what sometimes seems impossible and place it in the hands of Jesus, and to help and be helped to do that.


* Matt. 5:8; Job 31:11-12; Ex. 20:14, 17; 1 Thes. 4:7-8; Eph. 5:3

hello, gorgeous

I went to a thrift store today to look for old picture frames, and instead came out with this beauty. I've been thinking of selling my ho-hum sofa and getting something both more neutral and with a little more character. I did not expect to find it for a mere $35. Now all she needs is a coat of paint and a reupholstering job.

I haven't picked it up yet, seeing as I drive a Corolla, so if anyone is out there with a truck who is willing to help a girl out, it would be much appreciated. And maybe compensated in some way.

Also, if you know of a good and reasonable upholsterer, I'm looking for one of those, too.

my latest means of escape

When I thought I was going to be starting school soon, I avoided starting anything that would take up too much of my time. I didn't start books I didn't think I could finish, didn't make social commitments that would hinder my concentration during the long summer of reading and writing, and certainly didn't start watching any insanely popular tv shows on dvd that are already in their fifth season.

That's right, I've become one of them - a LOST watcher.  I've almost completed two seasons in two weeks.  That, friends, is what we call ridiculous.  It is quite an addiction.  Given my attraction to all things ethnic, my favorite character, so far, is Sayid (Naveen Andrews).  Not only is he Indian (in real life ... he plays an Iraqi man on the show), he also has a British accent.  Hot!

Only two more seasons to go until I catch up to the current season.  It will be so depressing when I have to wait for a new episode every week.

jumping jack fail

I can't stop laughing at this video.

i'm a schizophrenic decision maker

Remember how I was going to start English classes this summer? Yeah, I'm not going to do that.

As I suspected, this has been a hard thing for me to admit. I hate making decisions and then turning back. It takes a blow to my pride, and my tendency to think that I know what is best for me. But I became increasingly nervous and dreadful of starting school every time someone would ask me about it. I'm going to take that as a message that I don't really know what I am getting into. So, after a conversation about it with friends at brunch on Sunday, I went home and immediately dropped my classes. And felt very, very relieved.

I am not going to pretend to know the next step this time. I plan to take the summer to work, save some money, be quiet for a while, and wait for some clarity. Come on, clarity.

so many hats, so few lives

If I could have it my way, I would be all of the following in my lifetime, in no particular order:

1. Writer
2. Photographer
3. Registered Dietitian (specifically, Holistic Nutrition)
4. Hair Stylist
5. Owner of a tea shop
6. Chef/Restaurant Owner
   
7. Social Worker
8. Full time mom
9. Vocalist for an indie folk rock group
10. Professional cellist or fiddle player
    
11. Baker
12. Interior designer
13. Seamstress

Obviously, I lack sufficient talent in some of these areas. But it would be a good life, no?

going veggie*

There has been a big change in my life since I last posted. In the past couple of weeks, I have made the decision to adopt a vegetarian diet, something that I have been considering for a little over a year. There are many reasons for this change, but listing them here would seem like a campaign of sorts … and I don’t want to be one of those vegetarians (even though I have a propensity toward persuasion). But if you’re a guessing sort of person, you are probably guessing correctly.

I had mentioned to my mother in a text message the other day that I am now a vegetarian, and didn’t get much response from her. I talked to her last night and clarified the statement. It went a little something like this:

“Mom, I am a vegetarian.”
“You mean my little chicken eater isn’t going to eat meat anymore?”
“Yes, that’s what I mean.”
“Forever?”
“Yes, forever.”

We went on to discuss how I wasn’t going to eat turkey at Thanksgiving, but how that didn’t mean I couldn’t eat at all at family gatherings. This is going to be interesting.

If anyone has any pointers for a new vegetarian, feel free to leave them in the commets section. Unless you’re going to be a tool and say something like, “You should it meat because it is delicious.”


*Yes, this is almost the exact same post I put on Recession Diet, but I felt the need to share it here.

i'm pretty sure my head just exploded

I receive frequent emails from a recipe website, and opened one today entitled "13 Great Ideas for a Girl's Night In." One of these brilliant ideas was called "Celebrating Being Single." Below is an excerpt from the article which has left me unfortunately lacking a head:

"There's a lot to be said for being a single girl. The toilet seat is always down. There are no arguments about taking out the trash. The television remote is all yours. And, you can always stop and ask for directions. Rejoice and make Valentine's Day a day to highlight the joys of single life."

Well, that just about covers it. Not only do I get to live with other women - something that is more unnatural than learning to live with the opposite sex, in my opinion - I get to always have the toilet seat in it's correct position, always have control over the blessed television, take out my own trash, ask for directions, AND throw fabulous parties at which I raise my champagne flute to toast all of the other women who have the same "good life" as I do. What could I ever have to complain about?!

Silly me.

mystery motivator

Text Message, 9:00 am ...

Mystery Motivator: Get up and get dressed, we have things to do.

Me: Who is this?

Mystery Motivator: I sent that to the wrong person. My bad.

Me: That's cool. I really did need to get up and get dressed, though. Thanks for the reminder, mystery person.

oh, keyboard cat

uno

There is nothing that single girls like to talk about more than their singleness. Whenever we all get together, somehow the topic always shifts to the absence of men in our lives - a conversation that I imagine sounds insane and sad from the outside. This kind of talk can often ere on the side of self-pity, and usually leaves me feeling like I have to take some sort of action to make myself more available, attractive, dateable, etc. But today, I ran into a dear friend at a wedding and as the conversation made its natural shift in that direction, I found myself feeling hopeful and validated. She talked about how she had been in a really rough place last winter in regards to singleness, with all of her friends having become attached and unknowingly leaving her feeling alone. She talked about seeing the guys that she is friends with go for girls that are super-attractive and like to play a pick-up game of frisbee (we both agreed that if that is what it takes, we will both forever be single). She talked about listening to her friends make plans with other couples in front of her and feeling left out.

In the middle of her darkness, she met with a woman who hadn't gotten married until she was 32 ... someone who knew the ache of loneliness and the joys and realities of marriage. That woman told her that whenever she has thoughts like, "If only I were prettier," or, "If only I were skinnier," or, [insert self-deprecating thought here], she can instantly dismiss them because they simply aren't true. God isn't waiting around for us to become skinnier or prettier or funnier ... He is waiting because it is in His plan for us, because He knows what we need, and because He is preparing the hearts and lives of the couples He wants to be together. Although that is something that I kind of already know, it was good and refreshing to hear. My constant fear is that I am not thin or pretty enough to be loved - a fear that resides to varying degrees in all women. While attraction is a real and obvious part of the beginnings of a relationship, I would much rather have someone be interested in what I think than my size.

I am also coming to realize that the idea of marriage or the "lovey" feelings aren't necessarily what I'm after anymore. Love and affection are important, and I can't wait to have those things, but the strongest craving is for companionship. Someone to be on my team. Someone to care for and fight for me. Someone to make decisions with, and to laugh with. Someone to settle into a home with (and stay there for more than a year!). Someone who knows what to do when the breaks on my car are squeaky, who wants to hear about my bad day. A friend, until death do us part. If waiting for that person means waiting for ten more years, that has to be okay with me.